Countdown Calendar!

It’s important to remember that insulting your boss may result in your dismissal. However, if you are clever, you can parlay this into a long paid vacation. Use this handy guide to plan ahead and ensure a successful venture.

Two weeks before

Begin to sow rumors about yourself that will aid you in getting a generous buyout package. You might, for instance, tell the office gossip that you’ve recently overcome your substance abuse problem, make public your plans to change your sex, or leave romantic notes to an unnamed superior regarding motel arrangements face up in the wastebasket near the photocopier.

Ten days before

If you don’t have it already, subscribe to premium cable or satellite television. You are about to have a lot of free time.

One week before

Begin to surreptitiously remove any important personal documents and/or valuable company secrets from your office, just in case. If you are fired on the spot, you may not have the opportunity to return to your office and pack up.

Two days before

Take the time to practice what you are going to say. Asking a friend to role play with you will prepare you for any unexpected reactions.

One day before

Make reservations for you and twenty of your closest friends at an expensive restaurant. If you are lucky, your company will be paying for this with hush money. If you are not, your friends will feel sorry for you and buy you dinner.

The big day

Now is the time to use the excuse you set up two weeks ago. If you are fired, stand outside of your boss’s office and loudly wail, “Are you firing me because I used to be a man/broke up with you/cut off your meth supply?” or the like. Stand back and watch the money roll in.